Searching for and Holding on to the One
Searching for and Holding on to the One
Top 3 Relationship Tips
I’m quite the romantic at heart, I always have been. I love watching and reading light hearted romance like many of the hallmark Christmas films. One of my favourite stories is Cinderella. I own a number of the different versions of the story on DVD. There are of course debates and arguments out there that such a story leaves girls and women with unrealistic expectations and a want to be saved by a prince. Yet, I’m not sure it is entirely fair to blame such stories for how some behave and understand the world. But this post is not on that matter, this post as with many in this series on Navigating Life contains some tips from my own experience, this time on searching for and holding on to the one.
As a scene setter I feel I should share some background. I am quite an independent person and always have been, however, I have also always been very family orientated. I am now married (coming up to 1 year). I attended a girls' school so didn’t know many of the opposite sex when I was younger. I had crushes but I didn’t go on my first date until University. Oh, and I’ve also never used a dating app as I meet my now husband around the time those were becoming more popular (although I have friends who have meet their longterm partners through them).
Tip 1: Have Standards But Not An Extensive List
A funny story I always tell my more picky friends is that I had always said I wouldn’t date someone with a beard. I thought it would be uncomfortable and a bit gross. Yet, I am now married to the love of my life who has a wonderfully impressive beard and has had one since before we started dating. If I’d stuck to my ‘list’ (not that I really had a list) I would have missed out on being with this amazing man who I have such joy waking up next to and tackling the world with everyday.
The truth is how I approached dating was to give people a chance, if I had feelings of attraction or interest, to get to know them more. I didn’t say ‘yes’ to everyone who asked, but I didn’t say ‘no’ based only on whether they ticked a box or not. Quite often frankly I went on how I felt beyond attraction. With my now husband I felt so comfortable and safe in his presence and I found him interesting.
I often can be quite black and white in my thinking, but actually on this matter I think it does need a bit of grey. I think it is fine to have some standards, to avoid getting yourself into dangerous situations, and to not string someone along who you know you are not interested in. However, an extensive list that you want mostly if not entirely ticked is unfair and unrealistic, and really could be stopping you from finding the One.
Tip 2: Be yourself
This second tip can sound clique but again I think it is important. In a relationship you will have to make compromises at points because at the end of the day you are two becoming one (a team for life). Yet, you shouldn’t have to compromise so much that you lose yourself or what is fundamentally important to you. Equally you shouldn’t expect the other person to change themselves entirely for you. You should love them for them.
As an example of this, society can make it seem like you must be sexy all the time and be up for doing things if not straight away at least after 3 dates. Yet, if this is not you. If you want to wait, the right person for you will respect that.
Stay true to yourself.
Tip 3: Communicate, from the start and always
This is the most crucial and fundamental foundation of any relationship. Communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE!
No one can read another person’s mind. Your partner does not just know from your actions alone how you are feeling or how they can work with you to get through the issue (note: I did not say fix it, as you both have responsibility to solve issues together).
My husband studied philosophy and he reflects and thinks a lot, and so do I (though my anxiety can build things up unnecessarily - a story for another time maybe). We did long distance not long after starting to date but in total for about 3 years. It was hard and if I’m honest we almost broke up at one point. It took a 3 hours conversation one day about everything, what we wanted in life, how we could make long distance work, and what we needed from each other (be that space, or talking on the phone more) to work through this and stay together.
I’m so glad we did make it though. I feel so blessed to have my husband in my life and if we are fortunate enough to have children I believe he will make a wonderful father. Yet, we both could of easily thrown it all away that day if I had just rung and said I’m not happy, I don’t think this is working, and no I don’t want to talk about it. Yet, that isn’t what happened. I rang, shared how I was feeling, and we discussed it.
We communicate all the time. He knows me more than any other person on the planet. My thoughts, feelings, fears, hopes, dreams. We’ve spoken about it all and continue to do so, because the truth is you never stop developing or growing. Neither of us is the same person we were almost 9 years ago when we first starting dating, but through constant communication we have not diverted so much that we feel it necessary to break up.
Open that dialogue with your partner and keep working at it for the rest of your life with them. It is worth the time and investment.
So those are my top 3 tips for searching for and holding on to the One. Hopefully there are helpful for some of you currently on the search or a reminder to others to stay true to yourself, give people a chance, and keep communicating.
If you have any other tips or thoughts on the post please feel free to leave a comment.