Making & Keeping Friends as an Adult
Top 3 Friendship Tips
If I’m to be honest making friends and keeping them as an adult can feel rather difficult. Life can feel such a juggling act as it is. Constantly busy, noisy, and full. Yet, friendship, community, and family are really important. We are a social species, even those of us who are more introverted need some form of interaction.
I truly believe it’s good for the soul, good for you, and good for others and our world.
Growing up I never really had a huge group of friends. In fact if you look at those who came to my Hen Party I had a friend from primary school, a friend from secondary, a friend from sixth form, and a friend from university. I’ve had other friends over the years, and I have new friends. Some people drift into your life and stay, and some drift away. That can be sad, but it doesn’t necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you. We grow, we age, we change. It’s natural. Sometimes we change too much for friends, or they change too much or not at all.
Friendship in adulthood can feel more difficult but it’s worth the effort.
Tip 1: Make the effort to stay in touch.
In romantic relationships we say it takes two to tango. Well in friendship I think that’s true to an extent too. If you really want to stay friends with someone you need to put in the effort. However, they also need to put in the effort too. If a friendship becomes too one side you may need to ask yourself is it worth the effort.
I have two examples for you. Firstly, I use to have a friend I’d know a long time but I found I was always the one arranging to meet up, and even then she bailed more times than came to things. Eventually I stopped asking and let the friendship just drift apart and she never contact me.
On the other hand, I have a very long standing friend where we both make the effort to keep in touch. Although we don’t physically see each other every year, we do try and speak at least once a month, and I make a conscious effort for it not always being her doing the arranging or reaching out.
Friendship is about both of you. It shouldn’t be difficult or hard. It just needs a little bit of nurturing, a little bit of time. If it means something to you make the time.
Tip 2: Seek and you will find.
As with keeping friends, making friends also requires some effort (and maybe even some trial and error). You may no longer be in education or have the option of so many clubs to try that you had at university. Yet, to make friends you do need to be out there. Whether it is through work, a formal group (e.g. book club, games night, choir), or a place (e.g. gym, familiar face in the coffee shop, church). Your person (maybe a tribe) is out there but to find them (like a partner) requires effort. It requires being in the game.
When I was living along in the Peak District I found out about a poetry group on a community board. I actually only ever attended once due to other reasons but it was a great way to meet some local people and had the potential for friendship. Equally, I got to know my elderly neighbour as I took his bin out, and through him I meet another neighbour who I drank with one summer evening in the park and watched a local parade with.
The potential for friendship is out there but you have to be there to find it. This leads me on to my final tip.
Tip 3: Don’t let fear hold you back.
My last tip is one I still find myself working on. It’s one I envy the skill my 8 year old sister in law has. She’s always been able to just walk up to another kid and either start playing with them or ask if they would like to play with her. She doesn’t even seem to be too bothered when she is rejected. Through this she has made friends to play with wherever we go. Yet, I find myself still to this day wondering if I should reach out to some neighbours to invite them round or go for a drink with.
Although people in the past have called me brave for attending a Games Nights I’d found on Meetup, I’m actually quite a shy person and anxious about embarrassing myself. I have to make a conscious effort to not let this stop me. I have to try things. I have to say yes to things. I have to make the effort to go to things.
If I’m to be honest I sometimes do let my fear stop me and sometimes wonder what would have happened if I’d taken the leap. This doesn’t even have to be with new friends it can also be with old ones you want to see if you could still be friends with. To this day there is part of me who regrets drifting apart from a friend who I later reached out to, but sadly it was too late as not long after I reconnected she was killed in a hit and run.
My advice to you then is don’t let fear hold you back. The life you want is out there but you have to make the effort.
One of the best things that has happened to me over the past couple of years is joining a choir, which at first I was anxious about attending. My husband encouraged me to keep going and now we find ourselves surrounded by friends and a community, who have expanding our world. We’ve even joined another social club that some of them introduced us to.
Don’t let fear hold you back.
So, those are my tips. I’m still navigating this world of adult friendship. Still learning and trying.
If you have any tips for others please do share them below.
Best Wishes,
M